Evidently, I’m terrible at blogging. I forget that it’s here, and then I continue living like I don’t have a blog at all.

I’m finding myself weary of how gay men treat each other. It’s so exhausting. So many guys have zero respect for social niceties. Yes, I realize that nobody owes anyone else their time. The thing that kicks me right in the junk is when a guy will say something purposely hurtful instead of a simple “no, thank you.” What’s the actual point of that? It’s an absolutely shitty thing to do to someone.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” is not one of the things to keep in mind on gay dating/hookup sites and apps. Sometimes the pain just isn’t worth it. I look for connections that are more than just physical, and it just gets me heartache.

I don’t want to give up, but fuck, it’s hard to not get discouraged. Someone I care very deeply for stopped responding to me six months ago. He asked me to go to Florida with him for a week, and I haven’t heard anything from him since. Calls and texts go nowhere. He liked one of my photos on Instagram, but then didn’t respond to anything. I’m tempted to send him a real letter, because that may get him to respond. I just don’t even know what I did to deserve this, and it’s killing me.

I just hate to be the forgettable one. It’s getting really, really old.

Having a lot of body acceptance difficulty tonight, for no reason at all. Body positivity is an incredibly important thing. However, among gay men, it’s also almost toxic. We are inundated with images of perfection: younger, tall, 6-pack abs, perfect hair, perfect teeth, the right job, the right friends, a gym membership. So much of that is so very far out of reach for the average guy, and that makes it difficult for me to look at myself sometimes, to be perfectly honest.

I’m 50 years old. I weighed in at 253 pounds yesterday. My A1C came back at 6.3. And I feel like I’m losing something. One of the questions they asked me yesterday was if I have had any suicidal thoughts. No, I haven’t. How about depressive episodes? Some, but nothing major. Mostly, it’s melancholy and very poor self image.

I chose the above image because yes, male body positivity is incredibly important, but it’s also very difficult when we have the media images we have inundating us all the time. It’s also a very societal thing that “men” (for whatever definition of the term in which you may believe) aren’t “supposed” to show weakness, to ask for help, to care about anyone else’s opinions.

And that is bullshit. Because we have feelings. We have wants and desires. We have insecurities. And any mouth-breather who says otherwise is so topped off with toxic behaviors that they need to go away.

And gay men needs to wake the hell up and realize that the constant impossible images and bitchy attitudes toward guys who aren’t cookie cutter clone copies of each other is only sending negative messages to a population whose suicide rate is already astronomical.

Be better. Do better. Remember that behind the images on a screen there is a real person with real emotions that you’re stomping all over by being a cunt.