Quarterly Check-in

homohomohomo, Stream of Consciousness

Evidently, I’m terrible at blogging. I forget that it’s here, and then I continue living like I don’t have a blog at all.

I’m finding myself weary of how gay men treat each other. It’s so exhausting. So many guys have zero respect for social niceties. Yes, I realize that nobody owes anyone else their time. The thing that kicks me right in the junk is when a guy will say something purposely hurtful instead of a simple “no, thank you.” What’s the actual point of that? It’s an absolutely shitty thing to do to someone.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” is not one of the things to keep in mind on gay dating/hookup sites and apps. Sometimes the pain just isn’t worth it. I look for connections that are more than just physical, and it just gets me heartache.

I don’t want to give up, but fuck, it’s hard to not get discouraged. Someone I care very deeply for stopped responding to me six months ago. He asked me to go to Florida with him for a week, and I haven’t heard anything from him since. Calls and texts go nowhere. He liked one of my photos on Instagram, but then didn’t respond to anything. I’m tempted to send him a real letter, because that may get him to respond. I just don’t even know what I did to deserve this, and it’s killing me.

I just hate to be the forgettable one. It’s getting really, really old.

Dusting Things Off

Gym Unicorn,

Week One, Day One

Last week, I walked into a gym for the first time in four years. I nearly had a panic attack and walked back out, because I could not, for the life of me, figure out what I wanted to work on. Everything was there and it was too much and too overwhelming to deal with.

I didn’t.

I walked up the stairs to the cardio equiment and spend a half hour walking on the treadmill.

I went to another gym two days later and did the same thing.

My goal for the next 12 weeks is to get to the gym twice a week. If I make it three time, that’s even better. By the end of Week 12, I’d like to be at least six weeks into a new strength training routine. I’m going to take a few weeks and just do the treadmill to get in the habit of hitting the gym on a regular basis.

To keep myself honest, this is me tonight, front and side. I’m unhappy with these photos, to say the very least.

This post inspired by Tank Tolman and his Earn Your Spot on the Ship Challenge.

HAMMAR!

And now, tea

Stream of Consciousness, Witchy

I’ve been away from my blogging for long enough, I think.

My Thanksgiving holiday was nice. Spent the day with dear friends and one of the nephews. Worked solo in the office on Friday. Got to see the other nephew and meet his boyfriend on Saturday. It was nice and laid back and cozy. Everyone needs more of that in their lives, I think.

It’s getting colder here, and that only means one thing: MORE HOT DRINKS. I have a ton of hot chocolates and herbal teas in my possession, so it is time to drink more. Tonight’s tea is Sleigh Ride from David’s Tea.

From the website:

The ultimate holiday punch. With cinnamon, apples, almonds, hibiscus and beetroot, this sweet, tart and lightly spiced caffeine-free herbal tea is as nice and rosy as a caroler’s cheeks. Feeling the chill? Add a splash of brandy for a drink that’ll warm you from the inside out. It’s the perfect blend to snuggle up with while watching the snow fall.

It’s a delight, and I absolutely adore it. I drink it all year round, as it’s a flavor that is as tasty iced as it is hot. It’s a bright red (as you can see), and that also makes me happy.

Tell me of your favorites, dear readers. Black, green, white, red, herbal? Favorite blends? Tea houses? Flavor combinations?

Today is Not That Day

Stream of Consciousness

It is barely into my workday, and I am already of the mindset that fucking with me today is the wrong life choice. Today is not that day. I had already said “I hate people” before I was gone from the house ten minutes.

My normal route to work was blocked halfway between streets by a cop SUV far enough down that I had already made the turn down the extremely narrow street before I saw the motherfucker.

So I backtracked to a street with a light on Broad, and waited. The light took forever and traffic my direction was heavy, so I pushed my way in between two cars whose drivers don’t understand that the green light has the right of way and if you can’t get through an intersection while the light is green, don’t fucking enter the intersection.

Two cars decided to drive up in the turn lane so they were farther ahead in line and merge in that way. The woman two cars ahead of me let four cars coming out of parking lots into the stream of traffic, thus slowing everyone down more.

Some jackhole on one of the apps doesn’t understand internet dating apps or how to read and was an absolute asshole to me.

I am the only person in the office right now. Boss is in Cincinnati at a site visit. Other two are at our warehouse, dealing with salvage titles. We have a team meeting at 10 (the other two will be back in time) that we have our conference room reserved for, but another department has a big meeting that they need our conference room for because of the number of people. The only good thing coming out of that is that we get to use their small, private, dedicated situation room for our team meeting.

Yeah. I am now 53 minutes into my workday, and this is how it’s going.

Hedgewitchin’

Witchy
I love the glitter out of this dude. He’s exactly who I want to be.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and watching on HerbMentor and their basic apothecary course. It’s a decent intro into most of the different herbal preparations. I’ve gotten a lot of it through the Ohio Herb Center, but this is helping reinforce that.

I have a lot of work to do to fully earn the title of hedgewitch (my own grading system), but I am also well on my way. I know where I can turn if I want or need assistance. I have a lot of tools in my bag. I have the drive and need to learn all I can and be better. And I have a need to help people with this.

For 30 years, I’ve been a witch. For the first 12, I was a solo practitioner who was reading a lot and not doing a lot, kind of adrift and unsure of where to go next. For the next 18 years, I was a technopagan in a teaching coven, helping more people be better witches. Now, it’s time to do something physical and natural to help my community and to teach people these skills.

I love this path. It’s green like new grass. It’s gold like aspen leaves and copper like maple leaves. It’s the dark blue of juniper berries and elderberries. I cannot wait to see where these take me and what I can do.

Roll for initiative

NERRRRRRRRD, Stream of Consciousness

I miss gaming. Board games, sure, but especially D&D. Our gaming group has gotten together maybe once this entire calendar year, and we weren’t playing D&D. We got together for board games, and that’s fun and all, but there’s just something about burying myself in another psyche that brings me out of my real-world funk.

This lovely dude is my fairy warlock, Jaikhiri (or Jake for short). As he is all of 14″ tall, he rides a battle chicken (sure, he’s got wings, but they get tired after a while). My DM (my super supportive husband Leon) made me ask the rest of the group if I could have her, and it had to be unanimous. The resounding, ever-suffering siiiiiiiiiigh that my husband released, when it took less than ten minutes for full unanimity, was resounding. Don’t mess with absurdity with this group. Weirdness will always win, as you well remember, love of my life.

We have a ridiculous amount of games that we’ve collected since 2020 that have not been played. Most of them require a minimum of three people to play, so here they sit.

The biggest challenge to getting together, however, is the disorganization and general clutter of the house. If we could get a handle on that, we would be unstoppable. But my ADHD makes my brain shut down when I think about dealing with any of it. And I know it drives Leon bonkers, but he’s also understanding about my brain weasels. He knows this is a bad weekend for me.

All of that to get to this part.

Today, especially, is hitting hard for me. Today would have been my father’s 69th birthday. It would have been one of the guaranteed times of the year that we would have spoken on the phone. He died in April, and today is difficult. I have the feeling that his birthday will be more of a difficult day than his death day or any other holiday. As you can tell by the date, it’s not one I can ever forget. It’s ingrained into our national culture. It will always be there.

So today I honor my father, James Russell Bredeson on what would have been his birthday. I am incredibly sad that I won’t ever hear you laugh again. I will listen to the voicemail messages that I have saved, and that will help some. I miss you, Dad.

* Some Caveats May Apply

homohomohomo, Stream of Consciousness

Having a lot of body acceptance difficulty tonight, for no reason at all. Body positivity is an incredibly important thing. However, among gay men, it’s also almost toxic. We are inundated with images of perfection: younger, tall, 6-pack abs, perfect hair, perfect teeth, the right job, the right friends, a gym membership. So much of that is so very far out of reach for the average guy, and that makes it difficult for me to look at myself sometimes, to be perfectly honest.

I’m 50 years old. I weighed in at 253 pounds yesterday. My A1C came back at 6.3. And I feel like I’m losing something. One of the questions they asked me yesterday was if I have had any suicidal thoughts. No, I haven’t. How about depressive episodes? Some, but nothing major. Mostly, it’s melancholy and very poor self image.

I chose the above image because yes, male body positivity is incredibly important, but it’s also very difficult when we have the media images we have inundating us all the time. It’s also a very societal thing that “men” (for whatever definition of the term in which you may believe) aren’t “supposed” to show weakness, to ask for help, to care about anyone else’s opinions.

And that is bullshit. Because we have feelings. We have wants and desires. We have insecurities. And any mouth-breather who says otherwise is so topped off with toxic behaviors that they need to go away.

And gay men needs to wake the hell up and realize that the constant impossible images and bitchy attitudes toward guys who aren’t cookie cutter clone copies of each other is only sending negative messages to a population whose suicide rate is already astronomical.

Be better. Do better. Remember that behind the images on a screen there is a real person with real emotions that you’re stomping all over by being a cunt.

…I’m sorry, what was that?

NERRRRRRRRD, Stream of Consciousness, Witchy

Still having focus issues. About half an hour of Diablo IV and about 10 minutes of Mass Effect tonight. Four or five bouts of knitting for about 10 minutes each throughout the day.

Had a medical appointment today, my quarterly checkup. Got blood drawn for labs. Got my second shingles vaccine, and my arm hurts like a mother. They offered the new COVID booster, but I have things going on tomorrow, and every other injection has kicked my ass for 24 hours. I’ll find a Friday afternoon when I don’t have anything on Saturday and get it then.

And then…. the butt camera. My nurse practitioner is sending me for a colonoscopy. Yuck. Evidently, there is a prep treatment other than Golytely (the biggest lie in the world, according to everyone who has dealt with it). I’m so not looking forward to it. Yuck.

Finished Sex Education today. Decent ending, I think. I’m sad that it’s done. I didn’t have nearly enough time with Adam’s storyline or Maeve’s new storyline or Aimee’s success or even Dave’s reaction. Still, overall very satisfying.

I have 8 minutes left of A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis by Robyn Peterman, read by Jessica Almasy. It’s such a great series, and I’m super happy that October turned our little book club onto it. We’ve been sharing audiobook recommendations for a while, and it’s always so much fun to talk about these. Thankfully, some of these series are many books and while we’re all getting caught up, it gives us something to listen to while we’re waiting for the next books in our favorites. The next one in the Burning Witch series by Delemhach is due out on January 30, but Aftermath (the next book in the Expeditionary Force series) by Craig Alanson (read by the incomparable RC Bray) is due out on December 12! Needless to say, they’ve both been pre-ordered, and I need them NOW. I’ve got the latest Jim Butcher novella in the Cinder Spires series ready, too, but I’ve also got 6 more books in the Good to the Last Death series ready to go, too.

Started thinking about next year’s garden. I’m going to do all herbs, and I’m starting to decide which ones I want. I’ll probably start a few of them in my Aerogardens in February or March and transplant them into the buckets for the garden. I’m going to try for 12 herbs next year, with nothing else. We don’t eat enough veggies and we don’t have the space for anything else. Plus herbs can be used for cooking, for the apothecary, for incenses, and for spellwork. I need to start incorporating more in my world. Hedgewitch doesn’t just happen.

I’m exhausted for no real reason. Time to take my pills and go to bed like the old man I am.

Mleh.

Stream of Consciousness

This week feels like it’s been six weeks long, and it’s only Wednesday. I only have one more day of work this week, thanks to Veteran’s Day on Saturday. Yay, federal holidays!

That being said, I just don’t have a lot to say today. I’m just feeling very here and not much more. Meds are working, sure, but this happens from time to time. It’s normal.

Medical appointment tomorrow. Field trip on Friday to see a possible campsite. Witch Crafting get-together on Saturday. May spend most of the rest of the weekend reading, because video games are just not holding my attention this week.

Maybe I just need a hibernation weekend. I know that I will get my groove back. Whether that’s Stella’s or the Emperor’s remains to be seen.

I [Ohio] Voting

NERRRRRRRRD, Stream of Consciousness, Witchy

Today is an election day in the US. It’s always the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November (because that’s not arcane or anything). Here in Ohio, we had two very important state-wide ballot initiatives, Issue 1 and Issue 2. There are a couple of other things, such as the race for Columbus mayor and Issue 16, a tiny tax levy to help support the Columbus Metropolitan Library. I look forward to getting that little round sticker every time I vote.

Issue 1 is about reproductive rights and a woman’s right to choose. Most of my friends know my thoughts on this. I don’t have female reproductive parts, so I don’t get a say in a woman’s rights. That said, I’ll be damned if I let any old mediocre white men decide that for anyone else. They’re all about freedom, but only their freedom. So, you know, screw that noise right in the goat-hole.

Issue 2 is also a personal freedom initiative: legalization of recreational marijuana. I’ve been pro-legalization for decades. It is stupid that it’s not legal. Alcohol is legal, and it is absolutely deadly. You can die from too much alcohol. Do you know what happens if/when you smoke too much pot? You devour a bag of Doritos and fall asleep. It’s ridiculous that we’re fighting this. Let people find a tiny glimmer of hope and joy or escape from this pre-dystopian capitalist hellscape in which we’re currently residing. Plus, those same old mediocre white men don’t want to let out the legions of brown and black people in prison for minor marijuana charges.

On the positive side of today, I got a new book about rituals and coven practices for smaller magical groups (2 or more). It’s called The Everyday Witch’s Coven by Deborah Blake. I’m unfamiliar with the author, and while I’m searching for another magical group, I’m getting together with friends and sometimes a more formalized ritual is nice. I’m sure I’ll have opinions on it, so stay tuned! I know you’re all waiting on the edges of your seats.

Starting the new sleepy pill tonight. I hope it works like I need it to. Wish me luck.

Currently reading: Death’s Rival by Faith Hunter
Currently listening to: A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis: The Good to the Last Death Series, Book 3 by Robyn Peterman, read by Jessica Almasy
Currently playing: Diablo IV
Currently playing: Mass Effect Legendary Edition

Note: I get zero money from these links. They’re all just the most convenient links.